I am afraid, scared, worried about almost everything that I have control of. I've got the urge to write this rant when I had that fear again this morning, and this is not for the sake of people reading it but for the sake of me feeling better after writing this out from my heart.
I am in grade 11 for the IB program and recently I failed so turns out I am repeating the grade; of course I was afraid that I won't progress or improve but then again I had good plans for it. These few days, or rather, weeks, pulled me closer to the abyss of fear, last night I dreamt of receiving my final report card and instead of passing (getting a 26 or above) I got 11 / 45 which was a total disaster, I woke up with fright and terror, not knowing if it's going to happen or not. I didn't tell that to anyone knowing that they are either going to say "don't worry too much" or "you should go see a therapist". In these few weeks when I see certain beautiful subjects, for example, sun light shining into my room, focusing my eyes on to the marble and walls, reminds me of beautiful memories and places like Europe, my trip to Vancouver; sometimes just looking out of the window at the green grass hills also reminds me of waking up early with the cold wind n quietness in a nice Vancouver morning. Of course, it's nice to be reminded of these memories and thinking about these comforting places, but the thing is, when I think of it, the thought of fear comes in, it's so sudden, like dropping a drop of ink into a glass of clear water, it goes everywhere and soon fills up the transparent water into black ink; the thought goes absolutely like that. And that thought pulls me all the way back to the abyss, making me think that I will not achieve good grades therefore won't be going to Germany study therefore I will be stuck in Hong Kong... that's not what I want, but then once fear comes in, guilt strikes and follows by disappointment about myself...
I am afraid...
Monday, July 27, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Announcement
Greetings my fellow readers, I want to make a little announcement on this blog topic. I do apologise for not posting anything for a long while, that was due to certain school and life issues which I rather not share. And I won't be posting anything more sooner or later, as I for now don't have much I want to share, but good news is I am starting another blog topic which would be based on history: I will be starting to write history based topics, similar to a job of a historian; writing arguments, information and certain genres that explore history, mostly of World War II.
Once again I apologise for my lack of activity through out the last few months, if you have been one of my faithful readers, I want you to know you make me really happy and proud, and I thank you for taking your time; I will be posting more when I reach college I suppose but we will see, only time can decide. Now I shall see you beautiful people some time later, if you want to read my new blog you can by simply clicking my name, it should pop up, I am not familiar with blogger stuffs.
Best regards and good health to all of you, I shall be back.
Once again I apologise for my lack of activity through out the last few months, if you have been one of my faithful readers, I want you to know you make me really happy and proud, and I thank you for taking your time; I will be posting more when I reach college I suppose but we will see, only time can decide. Now I shall see you beautiful people some time later, if you want to read my new blog you can by simply clicking my name, it should pop up, I am not familiar with blogger stuffs.
Best regards and good health to all of you, I shall be back.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
As my stone cold body walk past these corridors...
My school life up till now, I've always been the smallest through my grade; not smallest in size, but in age... I was born in November, which pretty much is the last part of a year, and my dad have always said I should be put into school one year younger, but because of my bloody tall as hell height, mum decided to put me into school in the same grade as the kids born in 98. To you it might not affect a lot, you might even take me as stupid for blaming that factor about my life, well have it your way because I am going to explain my factor and proof you wrong.
Being born in November, makes you almost born in the next year's January, so if I was put into 1999's class I'd be the smartest of all of kingdom come. But sadly that's not how my story's plot started; you see, being small makes me not being able to compete with others in the same year, it's like giving grade 4 stuffs to a grade 3. Yeah, I know you are still thinking I am dumb and such, but shut up and listen up. Being small allows me not to keep up with the others, and when all the others are doing perfect and I am not, the teacher thinks it's my own problem and so skips me and kept on teaching, yelled at me for being not good enough, well god damn it! And after all those years in primary school, I was merely able to go on high school, and I went to interviews after interviews but no school was willing to get me in, why? Because I have bad grades, why? Because I wasn't able to catch up, why? Because I was small and couldn't get things in my brain and get them running, oh and Hong Kong education system is also a factor that I blame, it's not learning, it's knowledge pouring into your brain, you don't need to understand or think, just memorise all the crap from text books and be able to write it back out and get a good grade, and ta da, you are a professional Asian!! Well sadly that was my story either; so schools after schools, I finally found one, it was a school taught in IB, or international baccalaureate, it was new so it accepts all kinds of kids, so I got in, started out bad because I was young to understand anything and was stupid. Being the smallest also led me into following bad friends, being used and being teased at. Then in high school, I was able to get myself sorted out, was still an idiot wondering around my life and education but I managed, but then being the social me, I went and try to meet more new friends, but I didn't know how to, and so my way was keep on finding them and chatting through this new platform I found out in grade 7 called Skype, well to them, I was annoying and bugged the shit out of them, and then to them my way of communicating is "childish", and you know how kids like to gossip, well they did and spread my "childish" and annoying doings through the grade, that's when people started to think I am weird and trying to avoid me, most of my friends are either people that doesn't give a crap about the popular ones, people that accept any kind of people or new comers that have no idea about the rumours and gossips. Well soon as I reached higher grade, I started liking girls, well by then I was able to manage a lot, because well maybe I was a late bloomer? Because I suddenly started growing mature and respecting myself, I even found the people in my grade selfish, rude and well, immature. Anyhow, I had quite a few affairs with girls in the same and lower grades, and people from lower grades also started thinking I am weird and a pedophile, but bloody hell, it's not pedophile unless it's a 10 years difference, and hey, you can't blame me, I don't like most girls in my grade because they are rude and they don't like me. Well with all that and a few more problems and rumours, nearly the whole school started hating on me, and so now, up till this day, when I walk past people in my school, I just have this feeling that I am like someone who have returned from the dead and people are shocked but yet afraid to interact with me. But yeah, after high school, I am going to come out of that slum like I've been banished by a herd of zombies because I am human myself, haha.
Well there you go, a story of my teenage hood, it's yet to develop, who knows, I might end up getting the nobel price or being beat up by the whole school, but whatever happens I will stay strong and the school can't change me, can't move me, I am myself and whatever shit they pour on me, I will stand tall and strong, until the day I die. This post might seem like me ranting but nah, I always want to give this piece to the people who share the same fate as me, might not be hated, might be alone, bullied or such, but just so you know, whatever happens, we will come out the strongest because we've gone through the most storms, thunders and earthquakes.
Being born in November, makes you almost born in the next year's January, so if I was put into 1999's class I'd be the smartest of all of kingdom come. But sadly that's not how my story's plot started; you see, being small makes me not being able to compete with others in the same year, it's like giving grade 4 stuffs to a grade 3. Yeah, I know you are still thinking I am dumb and such, but shut up and listen up. Being small allows me not to keep up with the others, and when all the others are doing perfect and I am not, the teacher thinks it's my own problem and so skips me and kept on teaching, yelled at me for being not good enough, well god damn it! And after all those years in primary school, I was merely able to go on high school, and I went to interviews after interviews but no school was willing to get me in, why? Because I have bad grades, why? Because I wasn't able to catch up, why? Because I was small and couldn't get things in my brain and get them running, oh and Hong Kong education system is also a factor that I blame, it's not learning, it's knowledge pouring into your brain, you don't need to understand or think, just memorise all the crap from text books and be able to write it back out and get a good grade, and ta da, you are a professional Asian!! Well sadly that was my story either; so schools after schools, I finally found one, it was a school taught in IB, or international baccalaureate, it was new so it accepts all kinds of kids, so I got in, started out bad because I was young to understand anything and was stupid. Being the smallest also led me into following bad friends, being used and being teased at. Then in high school, I was able to get myself sorted out, was still an idiot wondering around my life and education but I managed, but then being the social me, I went and try to meet more new friends, but I didn't know how to, and so my way was keep on finding them and chatting through this new platform I found out in grade 7 called Skype, well to them, I was annoying and bugged the shit out of them, and then to them my way of communicating is "childish", and you know how kids like to gossip, well they did and spread my "childish" and annoying doings through the grade, that's when people started to think I am weird and trying to avoid me, most of my friends are either people that doesn't give a crap about the popular ones, people that accept any kind of people or new comers that have no idea about the rumours and gossips. Well soon as I reached higher grade, I started liking girls, well by then I was able to manage a lot, because well maybe I was a late bloomer? Because I suddenly started growing mature and respecting myself, I even found the people in my grade selfish, rude and well, immature. Anyhow, I had quite a few affairs with girls in the same and lower grades, and people from lower grades also started thinking I am weird and a pedophile, but bloody hell, it's not pedophile unless it's a 10 years difference, and hey, you can't blame me, I don't like most girls in my grade because they are rude and they don't like me. Well with all that and a few more problems and rumours, nearly the whole school started hating on me, and so now, up till this day, when I walk past people in my school, I just have this feeling that I am like someone who have returned from the dead and people are shocked but yet afraid to interact with me. But yeah, after high school, I am going to come out of that slum like I've been banished by a herd of zombies because I am human myself, haha.
Well there you go, a story of my teenage hood, it's yet to develop, who knows, I might end up getting the nobel price or being beat up by the whole school, but whatever happens I will stay strong and the school can't change me, can't move me, I am myself and whatever shit they pour on me, I will stand tall and strong, until the day I die. This post might seem like me ranting but nah, I always want to give this piece to the people who share the same fate as me, might not be hated, might be alone, bullied or such, but just so you know, whatever happens, we will come out the strongest because we've gone through the most storms, thunders and earthquakes.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
"Someday" is an excuse
There's a common saying that many people use to keep in mind that they will do it next time or in the future somehow... They call it hope or motivation, I call it an excuse. That saying is "Someday"; many people say that, even I do sometimes because it works, it gives you the temptation that you will do it in the future so that you don't need to do it now, but in reality it's just a trick that you use to deceive yourself. "Someday I will do it", "Someday it will happen to me", "Someday she will love me", "Someday he will have a crush on me"... What? Nah, the world doesn't work that way, it doesn't wait around for you and it doesn't rain opportunities on you "someday". "Someday" is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you." - Timothy Ferriss.
One question remain, why do people say "Someday"? Simple really, they are scared. It's true really, ask yourself deep inside, "why didn't I ask that girl out that day?", "why did I hesitated to perform my favorite song", "'why didn't I give that speech"... People are scared that they might get laughed at, that the girl might tease them, or the boy might reject her or the public will judge them; so they tell themselves that "someday" they will do it and hopefully succeed. I always said that to myself when I watch a school music performance, I told myself "Someday I will be on that stage performing my songs" but that day never came because I never got the guts to go on and I never stop telling myself "someday". It's been 10 years since I told myself that, and now I am 16 years old, I still haven't gone on stage to perform something of my own. It's sad really, it's also something I know I will regret in the future. The problem with say that is you will never stop telling yourself "Someday I will do that", no you won't, believe that because that's how human's mind works, if they never get over their fear and defeat it, they will keep on deceiving themselves and they will never achieve what they wanted a long time ago.
It's really easy to get over that fear and escape that circle of tricks; you just got to believe that you can do it and block a-way your fear, do not let them near your mind, just tell yourself "Go forward, go forward, do it, do it, keep walking" and before you can realise what you have just done or say "what the heck" you will be up there asking her out or on the stage speaking or signing up for that performance. You just got to stop all those fears from stopping you, because after everything you'd be glad and proud that you have made the right decision, and even if the audience or the results came out to be negative, so what? Who cares? Don't even try to judge me dude, you don't know what I've been through! Because at the end, just be proud of yourself of doing what you have always wanted to, do have reached your dreams, to have achieve your goals, and that "someday" will be that day.
So stop telling yourself "someday", it's just a bloody excuse to keep yourself from doing something you enjoy, it's stupid really, before you want to say "someday", shut your mouth, walk up there and act what you want, do not fear, do not worry, as this world is full of opportunities for you to grab hold, so you better not miss that chance by saying "someday"; and remember, you are not alone, in this world, planet Earth, there are many more human beings that are experiencing what you are having now, they have stopped saying "someday" and went up there to ask their crush out, to act on the stage, to be the leader of the school, to speak out their minds and express their own ideas; do not worry, fate is in your hands, it's you who decides to do or die.
And if you are wondering what happened to me, well after writing this article, I guess I should do the same; I promise you guys to perform one of my favorite song on school stage in the upcoming performance day, it's only fair that way. Now you go out there and act, and if fear comes back into the room, tell him his rent is up and he's being evicted.
“For all of the most important things, the timing always sucks. Waiting for a good time to quit your job? The stars will never align and the traffic lights of life will never all be green at the same time. The universe doesn't conspire against you, but it doesn't go out of its way to line up the pins either. Conditions are never perfect. "Someday" is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. Pro and con lists are just as bad. If it's important to you and you want to do it "eventually," just do it and correct course along the way.” - Timothy Ferriss.
One question remain, why do people say "Someday"? Simple really, they are scared. It's true really, ask yourself deep inside, "why didn't I ask that girl out that day?", "why did I hesitated to perform my favorite song", "'why didn't I give that speech"... People are scared that they might get laughed at, that the girl might tease them, or the boy might reject her or the public will judge them; so they tell themselves that "someday" they will do it and hopefully succeed. I always said that to myself when I watch a school music performance, I told myself "Someday I will be on that stage performing my songs" but that day never came because I never got the guts to go on and I never stop telling myself "someday". It's been 10 years since I told myself that, and now I am 16 years old, I still haven't gone on stage to perform something of my own. It's sad really, it's also something I know I will regret in the future. The problem with say that is you will never stop telling yourself "Someday I will do that", no you won't, believe that because that's how human's mind works, if they never get over their fear and defeat it, they will keep on deceiving themselves and they will never achieve what they wanted a long time ago.
It's really easy to get over that fear and escape that circle of tricks; you just got to believe that you can do it and block a-way your fear, do not let them near your mind, just tell yourself "Go forward, go forward, do it, do it, keep walking" and before you can realise what you have just done or say "what the heck" you will be up there asking her out or on the stage speaking or signing up for that performance. You just got to stop all those fears from stopping you, because after everything you'd be glad and proud that you have made the right decision, and even if the audience or the results came out to be negative, so what? Who cares? Don't even try to judge me dude, you don't know what I've been through! Because at the end, just be proud of yourself of doing what you have always wanted to, do have reached your dreams, to have achieve your goals, and that "someday" will be that day.
So stop telling yourself "someday", it's just a bloody excuse to keep yourself from doing something you enjoy, it's stupid really, before you want to say "someday", shut your mouth, walk up there and act what you want, do not fear, do not worry, as this world is full of opportunities for you to grab hold, so you better not miss that chance by saying "someday"; and remember, you are not alone, in this world, planet Earth, there are many more human beings that are experiencing what you are having now, they have stopped saying "someday" and went up there to ask their crush out, to act on the stage, to be the leader of the school, to speak out their minds and express their own ideas; do not worry, fate is in your hands, it's you who decides to do or die.
And if you are wondering what happened to me, well after writing this article, I guess I should do the same; I promise you guys to perform one of my favorite song on school stage in the upcoming performance day, it's only fair that way. Now you go out there and act, and if fear comes back into the room, tell him his rent is up and he's being evicted.
“For all of the most important things, the timing always sucks. Waiting for a good time to quit your job? The stars will never align and the traffic lights of life will never all be green at the same time. The universe doesn't conspire against you, but it doesn't go out of its way to line up the pins either. Conditions are never perfect. "Someday" is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. Pro and con lists are just as bad. If it's important to you and you want to do it "eventually," just do it and correct course along the way.” - Timothy Ferriss.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Friends never last
I am interrupting all my work now and am going to write this statement, because I just realised this and feel like I should write it down before I lose the spirit in me. I might have mentioned something similar before but never before this detailed or in depth into the topic. I just suddenly have this thought of friends and then it develops deeper and deeper in my brain, soon, the whole picture came out and I thought it through. It's a rather sad picture but it's reality and I know we have to face it...
Let's get to the point of this blog: friends, no matter they are trustworthy or best friends, they will one day leave you or move on from you. I know it's sad, thinking about it is already sad, and I guess right now I am experiencing it. But then again, you do that too, you will meet new friends, you lose friends, you dump friends... It's not what we want, but it's something that happens in our lives that we cannot prevent, unless you shut yourself and your best friend in the same room, but then again, that will get boring. Sometimes you do that yourself, and you don't realise it, you might be hurting your friends' feelings but they never tell you because they understand everyone will grow up and move on, or maybe they just think you don't view them as a good friend. That is why you should treasure your friends and your time spent with them before it's too late and you regret not treasuring them.
Friends, they leave you or stay but have new friends and they spend their time with their new friends more than with you. If it happens, then it happens, it's nothing you can do, a bird must learn to fly and one day must leave its nest; your friend will leave you or move on, instead of being sad, maybe you should be proud, your friend is finally grown up and meeting new friends, be happy that of all those times, you've helped him and remember how he helped you. Some people go really angry or depressed they kill themselves or hate their friends forever, that's the negative way to deal with some shit like this; and maybe it's time for you to move on too and make new friends, who knows, this world is full of opportunities and mysteries, you will find someone worth keeping again. No one ever last forever, even couples, break up or pass away even when they are married. This world is a cruel place, friendship is a cruel thing, full of corruption, betrayal, lies and depression, of all those cartoons and stories about how wonderful friendship is, well, it's not totally fake, it's half true, the other half is screwed up. People around me always told me "In this world, we all use each other" and "There's no true friendship", even so they might not last, but there are true friendship and true friends never use each other for advantages, they help each other, build on each other. So true friends, ain't about keeping them, it's about what you learn from them and how you helped them. If your friendships were really great, one day, your friend will meet you again and say "Hey, oh my god, it's you" and that will be the happiest moment of your life.
You should never be stuck in a certain chunk of time, not the past, not the present, but the future; seek the future, look forward to it, meet new friends, do new things, be bold, be adventurous, be awesome, because no one can stop you if you believe in yourself; if there's something you really want to achieve or desire, grab it by the throat, and let the world know you won't stop until you get what you want.
Friends, are a funny thing, it's more complicated than time, yet funny and special, it's like a language we use to communicate but through relationships and feelings. Friends won't last forever, so think about it, because I myself have a lot to think about too. Don't be sad or scared when a friend leaves you, be happy and proud, and let yourself move on too.
"Happiness is Temporary, Sadness is Forever, Though It's Completely Upto you, how long Temporary lasts, whether that be a few seconds or your whole life." - Ryan Josifoski
Let's get to the point of this blog: friends, no matter they are trustworthy or best friends, they will one day leave you or move on from you. I know it's sad, thinking about it is already sad, and I guess right now I am experiencing it. But then again, you do that too, you will meet new friends, you lose friends, you dump friends... It's not what we want, but it's something that happens in our lives that we cannot prevent, unless you shut yourself and your best friend in the same room, but then again, that will get boring. Sometimes you do that yourself, and you don't realise it, you might be hurting your friends' feelings but they never tell you because they understand everyone will grow up and move on, or maybe they just think you don't view them as a good friend. That is why you should treasure your friends and your time spent with them before it's too late and you regret not treasuring them.
Friends, they leave you or stay but have new friends and they spend their time with their new friends more than with you. If it happens, then it happens, it's nothing you can do, a bird must learn to fly and one day must leave its nest; your friend will leave you or move on, instead of being sad, maybe you should be proud, your friend is finally grown up and meeting new friends, be happy that of all those times, you've helped him and remember how he helped you. Some people go really angry or depressed they kill themselves or hate their friends forever, that's the negative way to deal with some shit like this; and maybe it's time for you to move on too and make new friends, who knows, this world is full of opportunities and mysteries, you will find someone worth keeping again. No one ever last forever, even couples, break up or pass away even when they are married. This world is a cruel place, friendship is a cruel thing, full of corruption, betrayal, lies and depression, of all those cartoons and stories about how wonderful friendship is, well, it's not totally fake, it's half true, the other half is screwed up. People around me always told me "In this world, we all use each other" and "There's no true friendship", even so they might not last, but there are true friendship and true friends never use each other for advantages, they help each other, build on each other. So true friends, ain't about keeping them, it's about what you learn from them and how you helped them. If your friendships were really great, one day, your friend will meet you again and say "Hey, oh my god, it's you" and that will be the happiest moment of your life.
You should never be stuck in a certain chunk of time, not the past, not the present, but the future; seek the future, look forward to it, meet new friends, do new things, be bold, be adventurous, be awesome, because no one can stop you if you believe in yourself; if there's something you really want to achieve or desire, grab it by the throat, and let the world know you won't stop until you get what you want.
Friends, are a funny thing, it's more complicated than time, yet funny and special, it's like a language we use to communicate but through relationships and feelings. Friends won't last forever, so think about it, because I myself have a lot to think about too. Don't be sad or scared when a friend leaves you, be happy and proud, and let yourself move on too.
"Happiness is Temporary, Sadness is Forever, Though It's Completely Upto you, how long Temporary lasts, whether that be a few seconds or your whole life." - Ryan Josifoski
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Treasure what you have
Well, hello, I have no idea where to start off...
First off, my deepest apologies for not posting for such a long time (if there's anyone who really reads my stuffs) I've been busy in school, preparing for exams and next year's diploma, oh and student council, yay! The other thing is, through out the gap between, I've been attacked by jealousy, loneliness, and sadness... Well that's really bad, as you all might think; to be honest, not really, it was a good thing: it taught me something that I'm about to explain below, and overall it shaped me a bit I guess, but I will still be jealous and be sad and feel lonely in the future but I guess at least I know how to stop it now than before.
This world is full of corruption and disappointment, and it's designed to screw you over; but that's why you must stand up and defeat it, find allies to walk with and together defeat the barricades and flames of hell in life, then behind the thick wall of mist you will find the long desired victory you've always wanted and worked so hard for it.
Your life is like nobody else's and only you have full access to it with you wanting to do whatever you want to do with it; but that control is limited and if you don't enjoy it then it'd be too late and regretting would be too late. Ye you might say I've wrote about this similar topic before, but that's not what I want to focus on this one, nope. This one talks of friends or even the objects we have around us. Friends are an important component in our lives and without them our life will be missing a huge portion of joy and happiness, but sometimes you may not realise the friends around you have been your greatest friends you can ever have, and then you might even ignore them and thinking they are ruining your life. Well this is what happened, all my life, I've wanted to meet new people and such, and around these few years, I've always been chasing people and wanting them to be friends with me but resulting them in they ignoring me since I've been too annoying and then I feel sad and think that I am alone and all. This went on for a few years but recently I suddenly have this thinking session in my mind while riding the bus to school: I thought about the people around me, the people that were there for me when I was sad and down, the people that really wants me to be their friends, and yet I've ignored them and went on chasing people to be my friends that might not even deserve me as a friend (not to brag myself here). I've been a foolish guy, chasing something that is not suited for me while the things that I truly want are just there, lying there behind me and waiting for me, and yet I've ignored them and been like a fool... We always complain how we don't have a best friend, or a funny friend, or a girl / boy that truly love us, well maybe they are already there but you've been a blind fool and ignored them. So next time you feel sad or jealous because of friendship or such, stop being jealous or sad, take a minute, think about it, think of the circle of friends around you, and you will realise the friends you desire are already there, but sad as you've ignored them, so it's time for you to stop chasing, turn around, greet your true friends, give them a hug, tell them "thank you for being my true friend" and treasure them.
Oh there's one more thing about friends I want to share with you. True friends are hard to come by, and I've seen people ditching their friends once they reached the top and became famous or popular. Yes, you might get a huge bunch of friends that have fun with you and make you famous, but at the end, true friends are the ones that comfort you when you are down; so never forget them and abandon them, remember you got to the top because of them.
That's what I've to share for this post, and before I end this, I want to thank a few people for coming into my life and filling in the colors on my rainbow.
First I want to thank Alkynes for being like my best brother ever, pulling me back up from hell and slapping me out of it when I am depressed and turning into a blind idiot, without him I don't know where I'd be today.
Then there's Blue, or Packie. Thank you for being like a father to me, you've taught me what to do in stressed out situations and really boost me up in certain screwed up moments in my life, motivating and encouraging me to keep trying and not give up.
Serah, is a really really good friend. She really turned me from the bad and foul me to the true me today. Without her I'd have never met the people I mentioned above. She listened to me when I got to the point that I have become an annoying little cunt and making no sense at all anymore, she's always there to comfort me and always type a big meaningful chunk of motivating words to slap me out of shit and get me back on my feet. I still have her words till today.
And also never forget Roachy, was a great friend to me, he's always funny and some how suffer a few same topics with me, so that's how we can easily understand each other and help each other off our arses, but thank you so much Roachy, for being my friend.
Brian Kyle McRiley, as how he wants to be called. He's a great school friend, always there beside me and just won't stop making me laugh, well he's one of those people that lighten up my life and bring joy to it, so thanks mate.
Abbey, you are a true friend, I have no regret for knowing you. She understands me and share the few same toture of life. We help each other get out of barricades and hell holes when there's no one that understand us or help us.
Jon, although we only know each other for a few months, but hey, thank you for being there too. He understands the relationship side of suffering in me since he felt that before, and he'd help me up and give me advises, and cheer me up.
There are many more people alike that I am so grateful that I've met you but hell, I can't write a list and spam this blog post. I thank you too for being there for me, and when you need help, whether you are a friend or a foe or even a stranger, I am always here to help you.
First off, my deepest apologies for not posting for such a long time (if there's anyone who really reads my stuffs) I've been busy in school, preparing for exams and next year's diploma, oh and student council, yay! The other thing is, through out the gap between, I've been attacked by jealousy, loneliness, and sadness... Well that's really bad, as you all might think; to be honest, not really, it was a good thing: it taught me something that I'm about to explain below, and overall it shaped me a bit I guess, but I will still be jealous and be sad and feel lonely in the future but I guess at least I know how to stop it now than before.
This world is full of corruption and disappointment, and it's designed to screw you over; but that's why you must stand up and defeat it, find allies to walk with and together defeat the barricades and flames of hell in life, then behind the thick wall of mist you will find the long desired victory you've always wanted and worked so hard for it.
Your life is like nobody else's and only you have full access to it with you wanting to do whatever you want to do with it; but that control is limited and if you don't enjoy it then it'd be too late and regretting would be too late. Ye you might say I've wrote about this similar topic before, but that's not what I want to focus on this one, nope. This one talks of friends or even the objects we have around us. Friends are an important component in our lives and without them our life will be missing a huge portion of joy and happiness, but sometimes you may not realise the friends around you have been your greatest friends you can ever have, and then you might even ignore them and thinking they are ruining your life. Well this is what happened, all my life, I've wanted to meet new people and such, and around these few years, I've always been chasing people and wanting them to be friends with me but resulting them in they ignoring me since I've been too annoying and then I feel sad and think that I am alone and all. This went on for a few years but recently I suddenly have this thinking session in my mind while riding the bus to school: I thought about the people around me, the people that were there for me when I was sad and down, the people that really wants me to be their friends, and yet I've ignored them and went on chasing people to be my friends that might not even deserve me as a friend (not to brag myself here). I've been a foolish guy, chasing something that is not suited for me while the things that I truly want are just there, lying there behind me and waiting for me, and yet I've ignored them and been like a fool... We always complain how we don't have a best friend, or a funny friend, or a girl / boy that truly love us, well maybe they are already there but you've been a blind fool and ignored them. So next time you feel sad or jealous because of friendship or such, stop being jealous or sad, take a minute, think about it, think of the circle of friends around you, and you will realise the friends you desire are already there, but sad as you've ignored them, so it's time for you to stop chasing, turn around, greet your true friends, give them a hug, tell them "thank you for being my true friend" and treasure them.
Oh there's one more thing about friends I want to share with you. True friends are hard to come by, and I've seen people ditching their friends once they reached the top and became famous or popular. Yes, you might get a huge bunch of friends that have fun with you and make you famous, but at the end, true friends are the ones that comfort you when you are down; so never forget them and abandon them, remember you got to the top because of them.
That's what I've to share for this post, and before I end this, I want to thank a few people for coming into my life and filling in the colors on my rainbow.
First I want to thank Alkynes for being like my best brother ever, pulling me back up from hell and slapping me out of it when I am depressed and turning into a blind idiot, without him I don't know where I'd be today.
Then there's Blue, or Packie. Thank you for being like a father to me, you've taught me what to do in stressed out situations and really boost me up in certain screwed up moments in my life, motivating and encouraging me to keep trying and not give up.
Serah, is a really really good friend. She really turned me from the bad and foul me to the true me today. Without her I'd have never met the people I mentioned above. She listened to me when I got to the point that I have become an annoying little cunt and making no sense at all anymore, she's always there to comfort me and always type a big meaningful chunk of motivating words to slap me out of shit and get me back on my feet. I still have her words till today.
And also never forget Roachy, was a great friend to me, he's always funny and some how suffer a few same topics with me, so that's how we can easily understand each other and help each other off our arses, but thank you so much Roachy, for being my friend.
Brian Kyle McRiley, as how he wants to be called. He's a great school friend, always there beside me and just won't stop making me laugh, well he's one of those people that lighten up my life and bring joy to it, so thanks mate.
Abbey, you are a true friend, I have no regret for knowing you. She understands me and share the few same toture of life. We help each other get out of barricades and hell holes when there's no one that understand us or help us.
Jon, although we only know each other for a few months, but hey, thank you for being there too. He understands the relationship side of suffering in me since he felt that before, and he'd help me up and give me advises, and cheer me up.
There are many more people alike that I am so grateful that I've met you but hell, I can't write a list and spam this blog post. I thank you too for being there for me, and when you need help, whether you are a friend or a foe or even a stranger, I am always here to help you.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
How I was an asshole
Yes I know, it's not the best language here for the title, but do forgive me and you will know why I had to use that word as the title to describe myself. This blog post is not much about motivating you, well there is but at the very end. Here mostly I want to recap and tell the story of my evolution from a normal kid to an asshole then suddenly to an innocent nice guy (if I may say so myself). Many of you know how I always say I used to be an asshole and how the show "My little pony, friendship is magic" changed my life and brought me back up to who I truly am inside.
I started as a normal kid liked everyone else, a normal, boring Hong Kong kid, well something special about me was that I always had a smile on my face, the head teacher in my kindergarten always called me "happy fruit" or something similar. So every single day I get out of bed, eat breakfast, jam sandwich if I remember correctly; then walk down to school since it's just about 3 minutes walk from the apartment where I live. Once in school, I greeted teachers, started class and then school work, some sort like that. After school my mum will wait outside to pick me up, but everytime I ask her to bring me the small 1-piece-paper "Thomas the tank engine" toy train catalog and I'd read out the train names to my class teacher and then school truly ends. Yes, I must admit, those were good days and some fun school years. After kindergarten, primary school it is. The first year I studied at the primary school just 15 minutes away from where I live, yes everything seems convenient and easy, well maybe that's why the school is bad. You see, inside it's just chaos: I always lose my eraser, it's like a weekly activity of losing your eraser, and I never seem to find it. Lunch time? Disaster, each and every bloody time someone's water bottle will leak out water and flooding all our home lunch boxes and such. Teachers? They don't seem to care about us, they just play around and teach bullshit, and if we did something wrong they just yell at us. I know I am a bit too harsh towards this, but I mean, what the bloody hell? This is a school that is suppose to make students enjoy education and put knowledge in them, if the teacher taught a lot and the students didn't listen and don't understand nothing, then in my opinion it's alright to scold or punish them, but not when you have taught us blank and expect us to get a PhD. Well up till now I am still not or even close to being an asshole, I was just a little kid fooling around with guys and girls, well a couple of classmates did taught me some swear words which I found them fun to say, so yea, you can say it's a start.
Before I continue anything, let me tell you something about Hong Kong education. It's bloody screwed up! Ok let me expand this here, you see there are two kinds of education, at least to my knowledge up till now. One is local school education the other is the IB curriculum education. I study in local school education primary schools while study in an IB school in secondary or high school whichever you call it. The local education is way beyond bearing the name of "fine education system", it's like a jail, as many other people who gone through this will say that too. The whole system just wants you to memorize everything without any ways, just dead memorize it and then giving you a test on it, you can't pass it? They scold the hell out of you and give you a 0, yup, I still remember having 0 for 3 times straight in my Chinese dictation then 3 100 marks straight later on (100 is the full mark back in those days). Overall, you just need to know the education system is bad for creative people like me, teachers don't really want to teach since it's a government school, and it's small as hell since it's in Hong Kong and you can't run, skip stairs or speak loud in the cafeteria.
Now, after the 1st year, my dad decided to put me in a better school, so I moved to a "better" school in year 2. In primary I met up with a few friends from the same place where I live and same school bus obviously. They taught me a lot, taught me what you ask, well negative stuffs that I will be using for the next 6 years or so. The reason I chose those friends were because they were the first people I see every morning on the bus and I had no idea who to be friends with so I went up to the fun and big bunch people group and made friends with them. So now I got my friends, time to get along with them, they taught me much more swearing stuffs and soon we made some enemies. Well we got those "enemies" because they started bullying him, so in order to be good friends with them I had to do what they do, so when they called names and teased and harassed people in any way I had to do the same. So day after day, I teased people, bullied people and made their days worse, soon enough I feel wrong, I feel like I shouldn't be doing this, I have to stop. I did, or at least I tried, but you see, I was (still am one now) those kind of people that really want friends and will beg for friendship, I don't know, low esteem? Well when they tell me to do something that I knew was wrong, I shook my head with the sign of "no, in no way you can make me do it", well they had one way to. "Fine, friendship over" and immediately all my afraid to lose a friend senses came rushing into my mind telling me to keep this friend at all cost, so I had no choice, I did what I knew was wrong under circumstances. Year after year goes by, I don't remember much anymore to be honest, but I always swear in almost every sentences and laugh at people. Primary school went by fast and what I learnt in school are English, mathematics, Chinese, Christianity stuffs since my school was religious. Mandarine? Nope, I never understand that language in primary so I never got nothing in my mind on that class, I never really got my Mandarine until secondary grade 9.
Here we go, the big story of secondary school or high school. Same thing happened, I had no idea who to be friends with, so I made friends with a bunch of new kids, because you see the school was a primary connected to secondary school, so most people knew each other already except for some new kids such as myself. Well soon enough, the new kids all found a pack of friends to stick with, so they kind of abandoned me, but I can't blame them. So, I found my pack of friends too, well back in those days I really wanted to be famous and popular, so I went up to the popular people and made friends with them, or the jerks. That's where I started turning more bad... They swore a lot so I did also, and I always follow them around, during class, lunch or no matter what, they will tease, scold and bully people that they don't like, because they want to be popular and famous so they just want to push down the people "blocking their way" and make sure they themselves are the best and keep that throne. Well so I followed them, I laughed at them, swore in everything, teased at mostly everyone, those were bad days. Soon enough they also tease me even though I am in their "pack" but I still stuck with them because I was scared I might lose friends, yup, stupid me. Well soon enough at grade 8 I changed and made new friends, still an asshole but not as worse, then I met friends online, and started watching the show "my little pony", it changed my life, I found out what it means to be a nice and caring person, and the friends online taught me a lot and telling me the ways of life, I owe it all to them and the show. Now I am mostly clean, at least no more douche bag or asshole me, and I am willing to help this world and the people in it to get a better life.
I started as a normal kid liked everyone else, a normal, boring Hong Kong kid, well something special about me was that I always had a smile on my face, the head teacher in my kindergarten always called me "happy fruit" or something similar. So every single day I get out of bed, eat breakfast, jam sandwich if I remember correctly; then walk down to school since it's just about 3 minutes walk from the apartment where I live. Once in school, I greeted teachers, started class and then school work, some sort like that. After school my mum will wait outside to pick me up, but everytime I ask her to bring me the small 1-piece-paper "Thomas the tank engine" toy train catalog and I'd read out the train names to my class teacher and then school truly ends. Yes, I must admit, those were good days and some fun school years. After kindergarten, primary school it is. The first year I studied at the primary school just 15 minutes away from where I live, yes everything seems convenient and easy, well maybe that's why the school is bad. You see, inside it's just chaos: I always lose my eraser, it's like a weekly activity of losing your eraser, and I never seem to find it. Lunch time? Disaster, each and every bloody time someone's water bottle will leak out water and flooding all our home lunch boxes and such. Teachers? They don't seem to care about us, they just play around and teach bullshit, and if we did something wrong they just yell at us. I know I am a bit too harsh towards this, but I mean, what the bloody hell? This is a school that is suppose to make students enjoy education and put knowledge in them, if the teacher taught a lot and the students didn't listen and don't understand nothing, then in my opinion it's alright to scold or punish them, but not when you have taught us blank and expect us to get a PhD. Well up till now I am still not or even close to being an asshole, I was just a little kid fooling around with guys and girls, well a couple of classmates did taught me some swear words which I found them fun to say, so yea, you can say it's a start.
Before I continue anything, let me tell you something about Hong Kong education. It's bloody screwed up! Ok let me expand this here, you see there are two kinds of education, at least to my knowledge up till now. One is local school education the other is the IB curriculum education. I study in local school education primary schools while study in an IB school in secondary or high school whichever you call it. The local education is way beyond bearing the name of "fine education system", it's like a jail, as many other people who gone through this will say that too. The whole system just wants you to memorize everything without any ways, just dead memorize it and then giving you a test on it, you can't pass it? They scold the hell out of you and give you a 0, yup, I still remember having 0 for 3 times straight in my Chinese dictation then 3 100 marks straight later on (100 is the full mark back in those days). Overall, you just need to know the education system is bad for creative people like me, teachers don't really want to teach since it's a government school, and it's small as hell since it's in Hong Kong and you can't run, skip stairs or speak loud in the cafeteria.
Now, after the 1st year, my dad decided to put me in a better school, so I moved to a "better" school in year 2. In primary I met up with a few friends from the same place where I live and same school bus obviously. They taught me a lot, taught me what you ask, well negative stuffs that I will be using for the next 6 years or so. The reason I chose those friends were because they were the first people I see every morning on the bus and I had no idea who to be friends with so I went up to the fun and big bunch people group and made friends with them. So now I got my friends, time to get along with them, they taught me much more swearing stuffs and soon we made some enemies. Well we got those "enemies" because they started bullying him, so in order to be good friends with them I had to do what they do, so when they called names and teased and harassed people in any way I had to do the same. So day after day, I teased people, bullied people and made their days worse, soon enough I feel wrong, I feel like I shouldn't be doing this, I have to stop. I did, or at least I tried, but you see, I was (still am one now) those kind of people that really want friends and will beg for friendship, I don't know, low esteem? Well when they tell me to do something that I knew was wrong, I shook my head with the sign of "no, in no way you can make me do it", well they had one way to. "Fine, friendship over" and immediately all my afraid to lose a friend senses came rushing into my mind telling me to keep this friend at all cost, so I had no choice, I did what I knew was wrong under circumstances. Year after year goes by, I don't remember much anymore to be honest, but I always swear in almost every sentences and laugh at people. Primary school went by fast and what I learnt in school are English, mathematics, Chinese, Christianity stuffs since my school was religious. Mandarine? Nope, I never understand that language in primary so I never got nothing in my mind on that class, I never really got my Mandarine until secondary grade 9.
Here we go, the big story of secondary school or high school. Same thing happened, I had no idea who to be friends with, so I made friends with a bunch of new kids, because you see the school was a primary connected to secondary school, so most people knew each other already except for some new kids such as myself. Well soon enough, the new kids all found a pack of friends to stick with, so they kind of abandoned me, but I can't blame them. So, I found my pack of friends too, well back in those days I really wanted to be famous and popular, so I went up to the popular people and made friends with them, or the jerks. That's where I started turning more bad... They swore a lot so I did also, and I always follow them around, during class, lunch or no matter what, they will tease, scold and bully people that they don't like, because they want to be popular and famous so they just want to push down the people "blocking their way" and make sure they themselves are the best and keep that throne. Well so I followed them, I laughed at them, swore in everything, teased at mostly everyone, those were bad days. Soon enough they also tease me even though I am in their "pack" but I still stuck with them because I was scared I might lose friends, yup, stupid me. Well soon enough at grade 8 I changed and made new friends, still an asshole but not as worse, then I met friends online, and started watching the show "my little pony", it changed my life, I found out what it means to be a nice and caring person, and the friends online taught me a lot and telling me the ways of life, I owe it all to them and the show. Now I am mostly clean, at least no more douche bag or asshole me, and I am willing to help this world and the people in it to get a better life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)