I am afraid

I am afraid, scared, worried about almost everything that I have control of. I've got the urge to write this rant when I had that fear again this morning, and this is not for the sake of people reading it but for the sake of me feeling better after writing this out from my heart.

I am in grade 11 for the IB program and recently I failed so turns out I am repeating the grade; of course I was afraid that I won't progress or improve but then again I had good plans for it. These few days, or rather, weeks, pulled me closer to the abyss of fear, last night I dreamt of receiving my final report card and instead of passing (getting a 26 or above) I got 11 / 45 which was a total disaster, I woke up with fright and terror, not knowing if it's going to happen or not. I didn't tell that to anyone knowing that they are either going to say "don't worry too much" or "you should go see a therapist". In these few weeks when I see certain beautiful subjects, for example, sun light shining into my room, focusing my eyes on to the marble and walls, reminds me of beautiful memories and places like Europe, my trip to Vancouver; sometimes just looking out of the window at the green grass hills also reminds me of waking up early with the cold wind n quietness in a nice Vancouver morning. Of course, it's nice to be reminded of these memories and thinking about these comforting places, but the thing is, when I think of it, the thought of fear comes in, it's so sudden, like dropping a drop of ink into a glass of clear water, it goes everywhere and soon fills up the transparent water into black ink; the thought goes absolutely like that. And that thought pulls me all the way back to the abyss, making me think that I will not achieve good grades therefore won't be going to Germany study therefore I will be stuck in Hong Kong... that's not what I want, but then once fear comes in, guilt strikes and follows by disappointment about myself...

I am afraid...

Announcement

Greetings my fellow readers, I want to make a little announcement on this blog topic. I do apologise for not posting anything for a long while, that was due to certain school and life issues which I rather not share. And I won't be posting anything more sooner or later, as I for now don't have much I want to share, but good news is I am starting another blog topic which would be based on history: I will be starting to write history based topics, similar to a job of a historian; writing arguments, information and certain genres that explore history, mostly of World War II.
Once again I apologise for my lack of activity through out the last few months, if you have been one of my faithful readers, I want you to know you make me really happy and proud, and I thank you for taking your time; I will be posting more when I reach college I suppose but we will see, only time can decide. Now I shall see you beautiful people some time later, if you want to read my new blog you can by simply clicking my name, it should pop up, I am not familiar with blogger stuffs.
Best regards and good health to all of you, I shall be back.