How I was an asshole

Yes I know, it's not the best language here for the title, but do forgive me and you will know why I had to use that word as the title to describe myself. This blog post is not much about motivating you, well there is but at the very end. Here mostly I want to recap and tell the story of my evolution from a normal kid to an asshole then suddenly to an innocent nice guy (if I may say so myself). Many of you know how I always say I used to be an asshole and how the show "My little pony, friendship is magic" changed my life and brought me back up to who I truly am inside.

I started as a normal kid liked everyone else, a normal, boring Hong Kong kid, well something special about me was that I always had a smile on my face, the head teacher in my kindergarten always called me "happy fruit" or something similar. So every single day I get out of bed, eat breakfast, jam sandwich if I remember correctly; then walk down to school since it's just about 3 minutes walk from the apartment where I live. Once in school, I greeted teachers, started class and then school work, some sort like that. After school my mum will wait outside to pick me up, but everytime I ask her to bring me the small 1-piece-paper "Thomas the tank engine" toy train catalog and I'd read out the train names to my class teacher and then school truly ends. Yes, I must admit, those were good days and some fun school years. After kindergarten, primary school it is. The first year I studied at the primary school just 15 minutes away from where I live, yes everything seems convenient and easy, well maybe that's why the school is bad. You see, inside it's just chaos: I always lose my eraser, it's like a weekly activity of losing your eraser, and I never seem to find it. Lunch time? Disaster, each and every bloody time someone's water bottle will leak out water and flooding all our home lunch boxes and such. Teachers? They don't seem to care about us, they just play around and teach bullshit, and if we did something wrong they just yell at us. I know I am a bit too harsh towards this, but I mean, what the bloody hell? This is a school that is suppose to make students enjoy education and put knowledge in them, if the teacher taught a lot and the students didn't listen and don't understand nothing, then in my opinion it's alright to scold or punish them, but not when you have taught us blank and expect us to get a PhD. Well up till now I am still not or even close to being an asshole, I was just a little kid fooling around with guys and girls, well a couple of classmates did taught me some swear words which I found them fun to say, so yea, you can say it's a start.

Before I continue anything, let me tell you something about Hong Kong education. It's bloody screwed up! Ok let me expand this here, you see there are two kinds of education, at least to my knowledge up till now. One is local school education the other is the IB curriculum education. I study in local school education primary schools while study in an IB school in secondary or high school whichever you call it. The local education is way beyond bearing the name of "fine education system", it's like a jail, as many other people who gone through this will say that too. The whole system just wants you to memorize everything without any ways, just dead memorize it and then giving you a test on it, you can't pass it? They scold the hell out of you and give you a 0, yup, I still remember having 0 for 3 times straight in my Chinese dictation then 3 100 marks straight later on (100 is the full mark back in those days). Overall, you just need to know the education system is bad for creative people like me, teachers don't really want to teach since it's a government school, and it's small as hell since it's in Hong Kong and you can't run, skip stairs or speak loud in the cafeteria.

Now, after the 1st year, my dad decided to put me in a better school, so I moved to a "better" school in year 2. In primary I met up with a few friends from the same place where I live and same school bus obviously. They taught me a lot, taught me what you ask, well negative stuffs that I will be using for the next 6 years or so. The reason I chose those friends were because they were the first people I see every morning on the bus and I had no idea who to be friends with so I went up to the fun and big bunch people group and made friends with them. So now I got my friends, time to get along with them, they taught me much more swearing stuffs and soon we made some enemies. Well we got those "enemies" because they started bullying him, so in order to be good friends with them I had to do what they do, so when they called names and teased and harassed people in any way I had to do the same. So day after day, I teased people, bullied people and made their days worse, soon enough I feel wrong, I feel like I shouldn't be doing this, I have to stop. I did, or at least I tried, but you see, I was (still am one now) those kind of people that really want friends and will beg for friendship, I don't know, low esteem? Well when they tell me to do something that I knew was wrong, I shook my head with the sign of "no, in no way you can make me do it", well they had one way to. "Fine, friendship over" and immediately all my afraid to lose a friend senses came rushing into my mind telling me to keep this friend at all cost, so I had no choice, I did what I knew was wrong under circumstances. Year after year goes by, I don't remember much anymore to be honest, but I always swear in almost every sentences and laugh at people. Primary school went by fast and what I learnt in school are English, mathematics, Chinese, Christianity stuffs since my school was religious. Mandarine? Nope, I never understand that language in primary so I never got nothing in my mind on that class, I never really got my Mandarine until secondary grade 9.

Here we go, the big story of secondary school or high school. Same thing happened, I had no idea who to be friends with, so I made friends with a bunch of new kids, because you see the school was a primary connected to secondary school, so most people knew each other already except for some new kids such as myself. Well soon enough, the new kids all found a pack of friends to stick with, so they kind of abandoned me, but I can't blame them. So, I found my pack of friends too, well back in those days I really wanted to be famous and popular, so I went up to the popular people and made friends with them, or the jerks. That's where I started turning more bad... They swore a lot so I did also, and I always follow them around, during class, lunch or no matter what, they will tease, scold and bully people that they don't like, because they want to be popular and famous so they just want to push down the people "blocking their way" and make sure they themselves are the best and keep that throne. Well so I followed them, I laughed at them, swore in everything, teased at mostly everyone, those were bad days. Soon enough they also tease me even though I am in their "pack" but I still stuck with them because I was scared I might lose friends, yup, stupid me. Well soon enough at grade 8 I changed and made new friends, still an asshole but not as worse, then I met friends online, and started watching the show "my little pony", it changed my life, I found out what it means to be a nice and caring person, and the friends online taught me a lot and telling me the ways of life, I owe it all to them and the show. Now I am mostly clean, at least no more douche bag or asshole me, and I am willing to help this world and the people in it to get a better life.

Enjoy life while you still can

I have not the slightest idea how to start off this blog to be honest, the idea of writing this topic just suddenly struck me while I was listening to Fun's "Carry on". Well let me answer you a question: I got the idea of this topic from that song and the time now that I am writing this, is after my 7th friendzone which I thought was never going to happen because the recent relationship was going so perfect. Well as many of you guys know what kind of person I am: I am really sensitive and when something like friendzone happens, I get really depressed and can't move on; but I think this time I understand everything and moved on. I told myself it's time to stop depressing and such, (also in this time now I am sad and jealous of my other friends) and plus reading some of the old messages my New Zealand friend sent me before to comfort me, I found out there's actually nothing to be jealous or sad about, and so I've decided to step foot on the island of "reborn". Yup, you got that right, I am moving on and reborn to the motto of "Enjoy life while you still can". Of course you can put that statement in many ways, there's "Cherish life as much as you can" or "Live like you are going to die tomorrow"... Well what the bloody hell ever, I am still sticking to my own motto no matter what.

Alright, enough talk, let's go to the main point. (oh, and if you find my writing style strange, well that's how I write, at least you can understand it, right?)

Our life is full of regrets, heart breaks, joy, victories, hopes and dreams and many more, well I guess that's why they call it "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you will get" (to be honest, it's more like "life is like a lucky draw). At many points in our life, we want to give up and end all this pain, because we think this life is just pointless, and thinking our future is hopeless; well let me tell you something then, everytime you feel that, tell yourself or have it written on a big A2 paper and stick it on your wall, "Don't give up, remember why you started". Well let me tell you a little story of my life, ok, maybe a big one. I've gone through a lot of pain and suffering, from heart break to friends dying. Well and every single time I just feel like life is pointless, it's just bullshit, I mean, why isn't it treating me good? Why is it full of hatred and sorrow and pain? Yea, that was me before, I'd cry the hell out of myself while yelling at the mirror of what a fool and how worthless I am, and everytime I get friendzoned I just keep on yelling at the mirror saying "You know why that happened? Because you suck, you are an asshole and nobody will ever like you", well maybe that is true, maybe not, ha. And after a night or whole day of crying and yelling and punching walls and maybe firing my airsoft gun in the air, I still can't move on, I just sulk and cry sometimes, and having a depressed mood all the time.The funny thing is, everytime after I cry and yell, I recover like everyone does, well I never truly reflect on what I did wrong, instead I feel stupid for crying and wasting all that time, because I eventually move on and continue life. Because you see, when I was depressed, I just waste time, I did nothing but cry, I could have use that time to write tons more blogs, could have use that time to finish my book about ww2 Stalingrad; but no, I was stupid and stubborn, my friends told me from time to time to move on, but I didn't, I was hoping that maybe she will change her mind and love me back... Maybe I was being stupid, but sometimes girls might change their minds and love will eventually find a way.
Now let us take a look, all my life from primary grade 6 I guess, I've been depressed, even a hungry African child is happier and positive than me (no offense here). I've gone through 7 friendzones and a few more relationship failures; one of my great friend that was always here was dead but now back but avoiding everything (long story and I am not allowed to tell) and many more things that I do not wish to list out anymore. Overall I've been wasting all my time depressing and crying and whining like a little baby. NO, "suck it up" is what I should have told myself and not waste time. So for the past couple of days, right after she friendzoned me, well not really because we both did have a crush on each other... But any how, I was thinking about a lot, on the bus, walking, during lessons, all those times, and I finally came to something.
My whole bloody childhood, I've been like an old man worrying the sky will fall down on him at the next second, crying like I lost my whole family, depressed like I lost my best friend. Was it really worth it? Will that be a good childhood for me when one day I think back about it? NO, it's going to make up the worse memories of all time and maybe make myself depress again. So I am ready and am already going to step up to this and be a man, not a baby that cries because he's scared of a cute puppy, but a man that is ready to face any challenges and make the most of his life. I want to make my childhood a fun and happy one, so I am going to enjoy my whole childhood and life onwards, I will not waste one second crying or depressing, well maybe sometimes but not for 2 months. So "Enjoy life while you still can" means a lot, think about it, when you are grown up, working all day all night, going home, shower, dinner and sleep and then repeating the same pattern over and over again, do you still have time for fun? So why not enjoy everything now? Because if you sit here and waste your own time doing nothing, when you are grown up you are just going to regret your whole life, and ask yourself "What have I done my whole childhood?", you can't answer that, and you can't go back to that time and have fun. So don't waste time now, this is your time to shine, life can be sad and depressing, but use those failures as lessons and boost yourself up, the more you fail the more you learn the better you get at life. Have fun in this life, in YOUR life, enjoy yourself, don't care about what other thinks, they just want to make your life worse, make the most of your life every single day. No matter what, breakfast, taking a bus, or even going to the toilet, do it like you will never be able to do it again, have fun, dance in the bathroom, have fun with your cereal, enjoy every moment of your life, so when you are grown up, you won't regret anything, but instead say "wow, what a life, I wish I am still a kid".
Yes, so there we have it people, my life story for you, teaching you to enjoy every moment of your life, don't worry, your whole life is full of surprises, many pain, but remember, there will always be light in the darkest hall way, you will eventually find your happiness and victory in life. :)