I am afraid, scared, worried about almost everything that I have control of. I've got the urge to write this rant when I had that fear again this morning, and this is not for the sake of people reading it but for the sake of me feeling better after writing this out from my heart.
I am in grade 11 for the IB program and recently I failed so turns out I am repeating the grade; of course I was afraid that I won't progress or improve but then again I had good plans for it. These few days, or rather, weeks, pulled me closer to the abyss of fear, last night I dreamt of receiving my final report card and instead of passing (getting a 26 or above) I got 11 / 45 which was a total disaster, I woke up with fright and terror, not knowing if it's going to happen or not. I didn't tell that to anyone knowing that they are either going to say "don't worry too much" or "you should go see a therapist". In these few weeks when I see certain beautiful subjects, for example, sun light shining into my room, focusing my eyes on to the marble and walls, reminds me of beautiful memories and places like Europe, my trip to Vancouver; sometimes just looking out of the window at the green grass hills also reminds me of waking up early with the cold wind n quietness in a nice Vancouver morning. Of course, it's nice to be reminded of these memories and thinking about these comforting places, but the thing is, when I think of it, the thought of fear comes in, it's so sudden, like dropping a drop of ink into a glass of clear water, it goes everywhere and soon fills up the transparent water into black ink; the thought goes absolutely like that. And that thought pulls me all the way back to the abyss, making me think that I will not achieve good grades therefore won't be going to Germany study therefore I will be stuck in Hong Kong... that's not what I want, but then once fear comes in, guilt strikes and follows by disappointment about myself...
I am afraid...
